This is a story about the time when I was made to write a user guide for a product that never worked
One of the most professionally offensive things I have ever been asked to do was to write a user manual for a digital product that I knew had never worked.
Never ever worked.
Not. Even Once.
Of course, this was back in my government employee days, and my boss sauntered into the cold, draughty office I shared with 4 other damned souls, his step betraying a confidence and stature he did not possess.
“Mark.”
Oh great, here we go.
“Brief in a nutshell – you need to write a short user guide explaining the core functions of this product that we the government contracted from an external supplier.”
“Erm, question? Was it not established a couple of meetings ago that this product didn’t work?”
“Yes.”
“So, I don’t understand.”
“What isn’t clear, Mark?”
“How am I supposed to write a manual for a product that doesn’t work?”
“You know what the product is supposed to do, no?
“Yes, but, I need to try it, make it run through its functions, take note how of they work, and then write that down, no?”
“No, you have the spec document, and you write the user manual off that.”
“OK, how about my own self respect though?”
“What’s that?”
“Self respect – you know, the estimation I have of myself and of the labour I was put on this earth to carry out.”
“Write the manual Mark.”
“But boss, the product never worked.”
“OK, let me be blunt, you have to write the manual because it needs to be submitted to some EU body alongside a bunch of other documentation. If the user manual box isn’t ticked, funds don’t get released.”
“And so?”
“What do you mean, ‘and so?’”
“The product never worked boss, so don’t pay the supplier.”
“DON’T PAY THE SUPPLIER?”
“Boss, I’m not saying screw them out of their money, but, surely they can’t expect to be paid if the product they built NEVER WORKED, right?”
“You haven’t understood a thing about how government works, have you? No son, the supplier has to get paid. Government always pays.”
“Government’s a total sucker then. Boss, the product never worked, not once.”
“Mark shut up and write the damn thing or get a written warning and then you’ll write the damn thing, sheesh.”
I wrote the damn thing.
And it was at that point I made up my mind that I HAVE TO LEAVE AND I MUST NOT BECOME LIKE THEM.
And I never ever again wrote any kind of user manual for any product that hadn’t ever worked once in its brief and pathetic existence.
